i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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