Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
