I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
