In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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