UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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