To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
