they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
