I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
