this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
