u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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