I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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