apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She even gives head with a lisp.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
