So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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