did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
