his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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