your parents love me but you hate me
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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