Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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