Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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