I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
