My underwear smells like fireworks.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
