The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
