Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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