Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
