a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
