worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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