You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My ass is underappreciated
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
