my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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