Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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