you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
