im six kinds of drunk right now
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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