Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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