We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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