Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
