I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
