there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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