I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
