She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
