There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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