You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
