It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
