Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
