my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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