and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
