i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Come on in and take your pants off
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