cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
