I cannot find my penis.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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