He disabled his match.com account in front of me
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
