Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
