My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
