Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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