No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
